This: "When I say I feel Keek’s presence, it’s not like I’m looking around for a ghost. It’s a sense of peace and security and divine grace. That feeling is why I know there’s an afterlife and why I’m no longer afraid of death." I'm sorry that it's still so hard, but I know I speak for so many when I say I'm grateful you write it down for us to read. We were in Montreal in July and I loved it!
Wow, just got a chance to read this amid all the political change I'm trying to keep up with via newsletters rather than media. As always, Tina, your writing just blows me away. You paint such an amazing picture of the shops, the food, your cadence with your husband (and Kiki walking along with you in Spirit) I can feel how returning to Kiki's home territory would be healing, even though heart-breaking. And I like how you start the post with the rising into consciousness.
Calm and serenity. It’s a rare thing in the world. Kiki will always be with you. Thank you for sharing your story and photos. Wishing you the best at your SC gig.
Such a heartfelt account and amazing murals. Reminded me of murals, I saw a Valparaíso, Chile. Art has a way of pulling us out of our grief and taking us to another place, to appreciate the beauty in everyday things. I found you from Sarah's cohort. Glad to find another good writer I can connect with.
Tina. You never fail at articulating living with grief of a child death. Your words so accurately describe many many situations and experiences I have had. I felt this was this weekend while at my cabin in the woods. Lily was there the whole time and it was so peaceful that I worked and worked on the book.
Thank you for always being vulnerable and real. It's a lens that is much needed and brings comfort to many, including myself.
Thank you for taking me along on your bittersweet journey to Northhampton and your trip to Montreal. Bittersweet is the only way to describe how I think it must feel to you and Eric. I'm so glad that you have this outlet for your incredible writing...looking forward to following you guys to S.C. Love, Mike
As a chaplain, I read your words to drop more fully into one person’s experience of grief. Thank you for offering your gifts of words and images. Normally, I’d scroll on but as it would happen, my 20-something daughter lives in Montreal. And, once upon a time, and along with her dad, we camped on Hunting Island while my parents stayed in a motel in Beaufort. We didn’t know it then but Mom had cancer and was worn from caring for my father with his failing memory. She was gone by the same time next year. All to say, thank you for the touch stone of memory, that iridescent jewel that taunts and comforts.
Thank you Elizabeth, for sharing this. These synchronicities are interesting, part of what makes me so grateful for readers like you who are willing to share a part of their lives with me, and with others here. "…the touch stone of memory, that iridescent jewel that taunts and comforts" Beautifully said.
I felt that calm and serenity reading this post. It reminded me of my son.
"Because I want to remember her. I want to remember us, in her town together, people-watching and looking in the shops and talking over sushi at Osaka."
I too would go to his favorite restaurants to be in the spaces where he happily ate his blooming onions and steak. 16 years later, Nick is always on my mind, and I constantly bring him into a room or conversation by sharing memories.
"Best day doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad. Sometimes, grief can mean sad but happy at the same time. Part of the reason it was so good is because I felt her nearby all day."
I love that your daughter was with you. That someone could sense her energy and see the beautiful effect she has on you. I often feel my son and have learned to live with him in a new way.
Wishing you peace and calm as you start on your latest travels and thank you for sharing.
Dear Janine, thank you for your comment. I'm glad it reminded you of Nick. Of course he is still always on your mind. I like how you say you have learned to live with him in a new way. The relationship still remains and grows, even though it is different. Thanks for being here.
Well my mouth fell open and all the blood left my body when I read about Kiki living in Northampton. I went to school at Smith. I worked in Thornes at a little flower shop (one of the MANY college jobs I had around town), I ate sushi sitting next to Kurt Vonegut at the counter in Osaka (he was reading Poisonwood Bible and all I could say was "How's the book?"), I bought a dress to impress a boy who ended up breaking my heart at 25 central (can't believe that shop is still there). I guess because I know how it sounds to walk around Thornes, the way the floor creaks, and the old building smell I always loved when I would walk through it. I think that shoe shop was there too .. I remember a shoe shop that I loved to stop and stare through the window from the sidewalk (it was on a corner I think), I had absolutely no money but they had beautiful boots - boots I was afraid to touch or want because they were so far away from my realm of possibility. When I read your line about wanting to buy her all the shoes she ever wanted I cried. I guess it shocked me to imagine Kiki living there in the town that I loved, one that I have so many memories of - good memories and painful ones. And it made following you around in this story a bit surreal - like there was a dream that overlapped.
I'll be thinking of you both as you start packing up for your next adventure. You guys are so cool volunteering at state parks. I always liked getting back on the road but I really dragged my feet on the packing up part. I hope it feels good to shake off your shoes and hit the road, find a new lunch place, walk somewhere you haven't walked before. Lastly, oh man thanks for sharing all your eating adventures in Montreal. I can't wait to go to Montreal and eat like Tina Hedin - like a boss. xoxo
Sarah!!! Oh I love reading this. I hope you write a Northampton story sometime. I tried to write about my own college town recently and I had to put it aside, it was too heartbreaking even though I write about heartbreaking stuff all the time. What is it about those years, so vivid and emotionally charged even after all this time? I obsessed over a pair of out-of-my-league boots then too, just like you. Haha I wonder what else we have in common? We'll have to meet in person someday and compare notes!
I'm glad you liked the eating adventures 😊This comment is everything, thank you so much 💛💛💛
I know!!!! those college years...it made me a little dizzy remembering.
I would beyond love to meet in person someday. I think it's just got to happen - too many synchronicities for it not to.
Now I really wanna go buy some good boots!! I think maybe we both should go find some...for ourselves...maybe Kiki would like that. If I come across a worthy pair I may snag em and share a picture. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
1. Montreal is so pretty! It's on my list of places to check out. I now look forward to the murals, so impressive.
2. Thank you for allowing us to go into your mind about why you chose to return to Northampton. As humans we're constantly revising our history - what stands out, what doesn't, what it means to us. I went to a wedding this past weekend and while I experienced incredible joy seeing my high school friend getting married, I revisited my old self in high school who was sort of lost and directionless. I had to have empathy for that kid and ultimately had to pull myself out of those memories - there's a reason why I keep those things in the past. But for you, I can tell you're keeping things alive because they are so meaningful. Sending you love Tina.
I always appreciate your thoughtful comments, Istiaq. Journeying into the past, like you did at the wedding, can be a minefield of memories! It's definitely a growth moment when embarrassment or regret for our young selves turns to empathy and love.
I hope you get a chance to go to Montreal! It's especially nice in warmer weather when the streets are so lively. I think people in a cold climate really know how to make the most of summer!
Thank you, Tina, for taking us on a tour of sites and memories. I love how honest your writing is. You don't pretend to be anybody else; you're you, and you're a gift. Safe travels in the coming weeks! Say hello to my home state for me! (I was born in Georgetown, South Carolina, for reference.)
P.S. I have a new essay up that I'd love for you to read when you find the time. Thanks.
Thanks Katrina! I always appreciate hearing from you. I looked up Georgetown on the map. I know we've taken Rt 17 along the coast before so we must have driven right through that area. Do you still have your southern accent? I love South Carolina. I don't really feel like I belong there (can a former New Yorker ever really belong in the South?) but I love it.
I haven't seen your latest post yet but I'll take a look now. Thanks!!!
I do have a Southern accent, although it has weakened after living in NYC for six years 😜 Whenever I'm angry or emotional, it really comes out. I even have to be wary of its translation into my writing 😂 You would have passed through Georgetown on 17 for sure... And you'd remember it because of the smell from the paper mill. It's good to hear from you!
In October of 1967 my new husband and I went on our honeymoon to Montreal. We were in a hotel and it seemed a few people also had a key to our room. Also, our phone didn’t go to the front desk. If there was an emergency we would have to call a room down the hall and they would let the front desk know. It was a nice hotel but an odd phone system.
Tina, I enjoyed your version of that pretty city. My husband passed away 31 years ago. As I read your story I could feel him here with me enjoying the memory. Thank you.
Hi Charlotte, I'm so glad you were transported back to your Honeymoon and memories of that time with your husband. Thank you for sharing those memories with me.
Cheers to good days!
This: "When I say I feel Keek’s presence, it’s not like I’m looking around for a ghost. It’s a sense of peace and security and divine grace. That feeling is why I know there’s an afterlife and why I’m no longer afraid of death." I'm sorry that it's still so hard, but I know I speak for so many when I say I'm grateful you write it down for us to read. We were in Montreal in July and I loved it!
Wow, just got a chance to read this amid all the political change I'm trying to keep up with via newsletters rather than media. As always, Tina, your writing just blows me away. You paint such an amazing picture of the shops, the food, your cadence with your husband (and Kiki walking along with you in Spirit) I can feel how returning to Kiki's home territory would be healing, even though heart-breaking. And I like how you start the post with the rising into consciousness.
Thank you Kirie, it's great to hear from you. I'm so glad you liked this story. Thanks for being here. 💛
Calm and serenity. It’s a rare thing in the world. Kiki will always be with you. Thank you for sharing your story and photos. Wishing you the best at your SC gig.
Hi Brenda! I appreciate what you're doing to spread calm and serenity in your work 💛 Thank you.
Such a heartfelt account and amazing murals. Reminded me of murals, I saw a Valparaíso, Chile. Art has a way of pulling us out of our grief and taking us to another place, to appreciate the beauty in everyday things. I found you from Sarah's cohort. Glad to find another good writer I can connect with.
Hi Neera, glad we could connect here. I am finding the cohort to be really helpful and what Sarah offers is amazing. Thanks for stopping by!
Tina. You never fail at articulating living with grief of a child death. Your words so accurately describe many many situations and experiences I have had. I felt this was this weekend while at my cabin in the woods. Lily was there the whole time and it was so peaceful that I worked and worked on the book.
Thank you for always being vulnerable and real. It's a lens that is much needed and brings comfort to many, including myself.
Thank you Taylor, I'm so glad you're here. Good to hear about your peaceful and productive weekend. 💛
Thank you for taking me along on your bittersweet journey to Northhampton and your trip to Montreal. Bittersweet is the only way to describe how I think it must feel to you and Eric. I'm so glad that you have this outlet for your incredible writing...looking forward to following you guys to S.C. Love, Mike
Thank you for reading ❤️ Love you
As a chaplain, I read your words to drop more fully into one person’s experience of grief. Thank you for offering your gifts of words and images. Normally, I’d scroll on but as it would happen, my 20-something daughter lives in Montreal. And, once upon a time, and along with her dad, we camped on Hunting Island while my parents stayed in a motel in Beaufort. We didn’t know it then but Mom had cancer and was worn from caring for my father with his failing memory. She was gone by the same time next year. All to say, thank you for the touch stone of memory, that iridescent jewel that taunts and comforts.
Thank you Elizabeth, for sharing this. These synchronicities are interesting, part of what makes me so grateful for readers like you who are willing to share a part of their lives with me, and with others here. "…the touch stone of memory, that iridescent jewel that taunts and comforts" Beautifully said.
I felt that calm and serenity reading this post. It reminded me of my son.
"Because I want to remember her. I want to remember us, in her town together, people-watching and looking in the shops and talking over sushi at Osaka."
I too would go to his favorite restaurants to be in the spaces where he happily ate his blooming onions and steak. 16 years later, Nick is always on my mind, and I constantly bring him into a room or conversation by sharing memories.
"Best day doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad. Sometimes, grief can mean sad but happy at the same time. Part of the reason it was so good is because I felt her nearby all day."
I love that your daughter was with you. That someone could sense her energy and see the beautiful effect she has on you. I often feel my son and have learned to live with him in a new way.
Wishing you peace and calm as you start on your latest travels and thank you for sharing.
Dear Janine, thank you for your comment. I'm glad it reminded you of Nick. Of course he is still always on your mind. I like how you say you have learned to live with him in a new way. The relationship still remains and grows, even though it is different. Thanks for being here.
Yes, our relationship has changed over the years and we visit in our dreams. Such a comforting and loving connection.
Well my mouth fell open and all the blood left my body when I read about Kiki living in Northampton. I went to school at Smith. I worked in Thornes at a little flower shop (one of the MANY college jobs I had around town), I ate sushi sitting next to Kurt Vonegut at the counter in Osaka (he was reading Poisonwood Bible and all I could say was "How's the book?"), I bought a dress to impress a boy who ended up breaking my heart at 25 central (can't believe that shop is still there). I guess because I know how it sounds to walk around Thornes, the way the floor creaks, and the old building smell I always loved when I would walk through it. I think that shoe shop was there too .. I remember a shoe shop that I loved to stop and stare through the window from the sidewalk (it was on a corner I think), I had absolutely no money but they had beautiful boots - boots I was afraid to touch or want because they were so far away from my realm of possibility. When I read your line about wanting to buy her all the shoes she ever wanted I cried. I guess it shocked me to imagine Kiki living there in the town that I loved, one that I have so many memories of - good memories and painful ones. And it made following you around in this story a bit surreal - like there was a dream that overlapped.
I'll be thinking of you both as you start packing up for your next adventure. You guys are so cool volunteering at state parks. I always liked getting back on the road but I really dragged my feet on the packing up part. I hope it feels good to shake off your shoes and hit the road, find a new lunch place, walk somewhere you haven't walked before. Lastly, oh man thanks for sharing all your eating adventures in Montreal. I can't wait to go to Montreal and eat like Tina Hedin - like a boss. xoxo
Sarah!!! Oh I love reading this. I hope you write a Northampton story sometime. I tried to write about my own college town recently and I had to put it aside, it was too heartbreaking even though I write about heartbreaking stuff all the time. What is it about those years, so vivid and emotionally charged even after all this time? I obsessed over a pair of out-of-my-league boots then too, just like you. Haha I wonder what else we have in common? We'll have to meet in person someday and compare notes!
I'm glad you liked the eating adventures 😊This comment is everything, thank you so much 💛💛💛
I know!!!! those college years...it made me a little dizzy remembering.
I would beyond love to meet in person someday. I think it's just got to happen - too many synchronicities for it not to.
Now I really wanna go buy some good boots!! I think maybe we both should go find some...for ourselves...maybe Kiki would like that. If I come across a worthy pair I may snag em and share a picture. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes to all that!
I always cry when I read your letters. But it's a good cry. A meaningful one. 💜
Thank you Anita. Sometimes I feel like I should apologize when I hear I've made someone cry, but I get it, there's such a thing as a good cry. Thanks.
Love your writing and learning about your wonderful Kiki through it. ❤️
Now I’m on the search for an African restaurant in Chicago and have added Montreal to my bucket list.
Thank you for being you!
Yes, Montreal is well worth a visit! Thank you Michelle 💛
A few notes I took
1. Montreal is so pretty! It's on my list of places to check out. I now look forward to the murals, so impressive.
2. Thank you for allowing us to go into your mind about why you chose to return to Northampton. As humans we're constantly revising our history - what stands out, what doesn't, what it means to us. I went to a wedding this past weekend and while I experienced incredible joy seeing my high school friend getting married, I revisited my old self in high school who was sort of lost and directionless. I had to have empathy for that kid and ultimately had to pull myself out of those memories - there's a reason why I keep those things in the past. But for you, I can tell you're keeping things alive because they are so meaningful. Sending you love Tina.
I always appreciate your thoughtful comments, Istiaq. Journeying into the past, like you did at the wedding, can be a minefield of memories! It's definitely a growth moment when embarrassment or regret for our young selves turns to empathy and love.
I hope you get a chance to go to Montreal! It's especially nice in warmer weather when the streets are so lively. I think people in a cold climate really know how to make the most of summer!
Thanks for sharing, Tina
Thank you Anna!
Thank you, Tina, for taking us on a tour of sites and memories. I love how honest your writing is. You don't pretend to be anybody else; you're you, and you're a gift. Safe travels in the coming weeks! Say hello to my home state for me! (I was born in Georgetown, South Carolina, for reference.)
P.S. I have a new essay up that I'd love for you to read when you find the time. Thanks.
Thanks Katrina! I always appreciate hearing from you. I looked up Georgetown on the map. I know we've taken Rt 17 along the coast before so we must have driven right through that area. Do you still have your southern accent? I love South Carolina. I don't really feel like I belong there (can a former New Yorker ever really belong in the South?) but I love it.
I haven't seen your latest post yet but I'll take a look now. Thanks!!!
I do have a Southern accent, although it has weakened after living in NYC for six years 😜 Whenever I'm angry or emotional, it really comes out. I even have to be wary of its translation into my writing 😂 You would have passed through Georgetown on 17 for sure... And you'd remember it because of the smell from the paper mill. It's good to hear from you!
*To clarify, I'm not in NYC anymore. We are now in Asheville, as we have talked about before.
In October of 1967 my new husband and I went on our honeymoon to Montreal. We were in a hotel and it seemed a few people also had a key to our room. Also, our phone didn’t go to the front desk. If there was an emergency we would have to call a room down the hall and they would let the front desk know. It was a nice hotel but an odd phone system.
Tina, I enjoyed your version of that pretty city. My husband passed away 31 years ago. As I read your story I could feel him here with me enjoying the memory. Thank you.
Hi Charlotte, I'm so glad you were transported back to your Honeymoon and memories of that time with your husband. Thank you for sharing those memories with me.