You have validated my habit of holding on to old newspapers. I just read your Modern Love essay about Kiki, six months later. It moved me to tears. This week is the anniversary of my mom's death and you captured so cogently what that mother-daughetr bond can be, if we are are lucky. I am so sad for your loss of Kiki and am grateful that you have shared a glimpse of her with all of us. Thank you and wishing you comfort from your memories of your gorgeous girl.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry about your daughter Kiki. I too have found the newfound peace of not being too attached to things and look forward to reading more of your writing.
I am working towards starting my own Substack to work through my own child-loss-related grief journey. My husband and I have been pregnant with 7 different children, but only one of them is earth side. Our living child is on this earth with us while his identical twin is elsewhere, fiercely protecting him (or, at least this is what I like to believe). I was drawn to your story not just because of the relations of grief, but also because my husband and I used to nomadically travel the country in a built-out van for a couple years. We always itch to get back on the road, but it's taken us a long 3 years to find our footing after the loss of our son. So I also deeply resonate on the nomadic side of things. I'm so terribly sorry for that loss. No words undo that pain. I was struck when I read your words "...when the worst thing happens, the cruelest part is, it doesn't kill you." I felt that in my bones. Thank you for putting those words down and out there into the world. I look forward to reading more of your words. Also, if you haven't already, the book "It's OK You're Not OK" is like balm on the heart when grief throws us through the battles of confusion, exhaustion, overwhelm, and more. - Jayme
Hi Jayme, thanks so much for sharing some of your journey with me. I am so sorry about your losses. We can empathize with each other's pain. I hope that writing here on Substack is a positive creative outlet for you. It has been for me, and has brought wonderful personal connections with people who can understand and relate.
I read "It's OK…" a few months after my daughter's death, and found it to be absolutely the best grief book out there, and the only one that really brought me any comfort or relief. It's a wonderful book.
Thank you for reading, and best of luck with your new Substack!
So pleased to have just found you but gutted about the broken heart that creates your new narrative. My heart breaks for you. Putting your stories out there helps so many. Thank you.
Morning Tina. Each morning I wake early, write, bring a coffee back to bed and read my Substack email notifications. I don't even recall subscribing to your newsletter, but I'm so glad I did. Your introduction has stopped me in my tracks. Stopped me feeling sorry for myself and kicked me up the backside. You are an inspiration...a traveller too. I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter, there are no words to make that pain ease, you live through and with it. As I say, an inspiration. I live in Italy, in the middle of nature, my happy place but being on the road has always been one of my dreams.......maybe one day.
Hi Wendy, thank you for commenting! I've noticed that Substack has a thing where if you click on a note, and inadvertently click next to the author's name, it instantly subscribes you. I've done it a lot, I'm not crazy about that feature. But I'm happy you ended up here, and thank you for reading and commenting. Isn't it amazing how we can connect in this way. Your life in Italy sounds wonderful. I was there many years ago and would love to go back.
you're most welcome. I'm sure it will resonate with you. Such a difficult thing to understand and to know how to cope, how to help, what to say or what not to say and when. You're decision to share your grief and to write and keep writing will absolutely help others, if this is any small comfort.
I was so blown away that you took the time to respond. The other day I made a mala bracelet, my intention was connection, and our interaction seems such a beautiful expression of that.
Here I am sitting under the cherry blossoms again. In friendship, I wanted to share with you this poem that I wrote after my third miscarriage.
The oyster
Layers of loss
licked by liquid
rolled in the Tide
stained by the Sea
and the sharp sand itching against the smooth surface.
A wound to be covered over
waves wiping clean the place that hurts
lifting and laying
until it is thick with pain and beauty
Only when it is broken can you see what work it took to make this thing
the tears that press them selves between embraces
the joys that shine in the nacre
and sometimes the pearl that rises up from the wound
I am sitting here under the cherry blossoms, weeping. At the fullness of their beauty, they fall away— a message from Kiki? Just sending you love and support and gratitude for your beautiful writing. You perfectly describe the way I miss my mother. The way we shared knowledge and appreciated the same things. She died two days after a leukemia diagnosis. And after all the family had left, and I was waiting for the funeral home to come take away her body I crawled in bed with her just to feel our bodies touching, once more. You described that feeling so exquisitely.
My mother comes to me in wind chimes and early morning Robins and my son, who never knew any of his grandparents, totally accepts that this is her. He will say hi Nonna as a Robin hops past or he’ll say — look at all the Nonnas here today.
I am so bereft for your loss, but I am thankful that you have the strength to reach out beyond it and give so many people the gift of understanding and resilience. May all the messages fall around you like pink snow.—
Dear Maria, thank you for your beautiful message. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. I love how you find her messages. It is such a gift to have that kind of knowing and appreciation in a relationship. I am glad you had that with your mom.
Thank you for writing this. I can picture the "pink snow" of blossoms falling on Cape Cod.
I was moved by your piece in the NY Times. Thank you for sharing your story. My daughter is also allergic to dairy, so reading your story really hit me hard.
The subject of grief such as yours is something I know very well... but without suffering it myself... only through my love for the mother who lost her boy.
She made a film you might like to watch sometime on your travels.
Thank you for your beautifully written Modern Love story. I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I have often found a connection to loved ones that have passed in nature and find it quite powerful. I am a social worker for a neurocritical care unit and meet with parents who experience sudden loss. I am inspired to find a way to connect Parents with one another if that is something they would appreciate.
Our daughter was in neurocritical care for the last 5 days of her life. I'm sure the parents you see are like we were then, too overwhelmed by shock to think or take in much information. But after, we were definitely looking to connect with other grieving parents. I can tell you the groups and resources that were most helpful to us, if you'd like. Just send me a message here on Substack.
I read your story in Modern Love and related to it on so many levels. Beautifully-written, poignant, raw - thank you for sharing it with all of us. What a testament to your relationship with your daughter and a gorgeous tribute to her. How you manage to do this all with unbelievable grace, humor, humanity is just incredible. I've been mired in grief over the loss of my mom over a year ago, and have yet to get my bearings. Cannot imagine what you've been through. Wishing you peace and continued healing. Be well.
Hi Donna, thank you for your kind words. Writing has helped me feel more connected to Kiki, and to good memories that help balance the grief. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. A year is not a long time at all, there is no timeline on learning to carry grief. Wishing your peace and healing as well, thank you.
You paint the picture of the relationship with your daughter in a beautiful yet tragic way. I can’t believe how anyone absorbs the death of a child , no matter their age, they are always your precious chld. A part of every piece of your being…..forever.
You have validated my habit of holding on to old newspapers. I just read your Modern Love essay about Kiki, six months later. It moved me to tears. This week is the anniversary of my mom's death and you captured so cogently what that mother-daughetr bond can be, if we are are lucky. I am so sad for your loss of Kiki and am grateful that you have shared a glimpse of her with all of us. Thank you and wishing you comfort from your memories of your gorgeous girl.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry about your daughter Kiki. I too have found the newfound peace of not being too attached to things and look forward to reading more of your writing.
Thanks so much Lorraine!
I am working towards starting my own Substack to work through my own child-loss-related grief journey. My husband and I have been pregnant with 7 different children, but only one of them is earth side. Our living child is on this earth with us while his identical twin is elsewhere, fiercely protecting him (or, at least this is what I like to believe). I was drawn to your story not just because of the relations of grief, but also because my husband and I used to nomadically travel the country in a built-out van for a couple years. We always itch to get back on the road, but it's taken us a long 3 years to find our footing after the loss of our son. So I also deeply resonate on the nomadic side of things. I'm so terribly sorry for that loss. No words undo that pain. I was struck when I read your words "...when the worst thing happens, the cruelest part is, it doesn't kill you." I felt that in my bones. Thank you for putting those words down and out there into the world. I look forward to reading more of your words. Also, if you haven't already, the book "It's OK You're Not OK" is like balm on the heart when grief throws us through the battles of confusion, exhaustion, overwhelm, and more. - Jayme
Hi Jayme, thanks so much for sharing some of your journey with me. I am so sorry about your losses. We can empathize with each other's pain. I hope that writing here on Substack is a positive creative outlet for you. It has been for me, and has brought wonderful personal connections with people who can understand and relate.
I read "It's OK…" a few months after my daughter's death, and found it to be absolutely the best grief book out there, and the only one that really brought me any comfort or relief. It's a wonderful book.
Thank you for reading, and best of luck with your new Substack!
So pleased to have just found you but gutted about the broken heart that creates your new narrative. My heart breaks for you. Putting your stories out there helps so many. Thank you.
thank you so much for reading, Becky.
Morning Tina. Each morning I wake early, write, bring a coffee back to bed and read my Substack email notifications. I don't even recall subscribing to your newsletter, but I'm so glad I did. Your introduction has stopped me in my tracks. Stopped me feeling sorry for myself and kicked me up the backside. You are an inspiration...a traveller too. I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter, there are no words to make that pain ease, you live through and with it. As I say, an inspiration. I live in Italy, in the middle of nature, my happy place but being on the road has always been one of my dreams.......maybe one day.
Hi Wendy, thank you for commenting! I've noticed that Substack has a thing where if you click on a note, and inadvertently click next to the author's name, it instantly subscribes you. I've done it a lot, I'm not crazy about that feature. But I'm happy you ended up here, and thank you for reading and commenting. Isn't it amazing how we can connect in this way. Your life in Italy sounds wonderful. I was there many years ago and would love to go back.
Hi Tina
you're most welcome. I'm sure it will resonate with you. Such a difficult thing to understand and to know how to cope, how to help, what to say or what not to say and when. You're decision to share your grief and to write and keep writing will absolutely help others, if this is any small comfort.
kind regards
Nick
Thank you Nick, I appreciate you being here.
Good Morning Dear Tina,
I was so blown away that you took the time to respond. The other day I made a mala bracelet, my intention was connection, and our interaction seems such a beautiful expression of that.
Here I am sitting under the cherry blossoms again. In friendship, I wanted to share with you this poem that I wrote after my third miscarriage.
The oyster
Layers of loss
licked by liquid
rolled in the Tide
stained by the Sea
and the sharp sand itching against the smooth surface.
A wound to be covered over
waves wiping clean the place that hurts
lifting and laying
until it is thick with pain and beauty
Only when it is broken can you see what work it took to make this thing
the tears that press them selves between embraces
the joys that shine in the nacre
and sometimes the pearl that rises up from the wound
a jewel made from struggle
the gift of carrying on
Dear Maria, I am honored that you shared this beautiful poem with me, thank you so much.
Dear Tina and Eric,
I am sitting here under the cherry blossoms, weeping. At the fullness of their beauty, they fall away— a message from Kiki? Just sending you love and support and gratitude for your beautiful writing. You perfectly describe the way I miss my mother. The way we shared knowledge and appreciated the same things. She died two days after a leukemia diagnosis. And after all the family had left, and I was waiting for the funeral home to come take away her body I crawled in bed with her just to feel our bodies touching, once more. You described that feeling so exquisitely.
My mother comes to me in wind chimes and early morning Robins and my son, who never knew any of his grandparents, totally accepts that this is her. He will say hi Nonna as a Robin hops past or he’ll say — look at all the Nonnas here today.
I am so bereft for your loss, but I am thankful that you have the strength to reach out beyond it and give so many people the gift of understanding and resilience. May all the messages fall around you like pink snow.—
Maria Silverman, Cape Cod
Dear Maria, thank you for your beautiful message. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. I love how you find her messages. It is such a gift to have that kind of knowing and appreciation in a relationship. I am glad you had that with your mom.
Thank you for writing this. I can picture the "pink snow" of blossoms falling on Cape Cod.
I was moved by your piece in the NY Times. Thank you for sharing your story. My daughter is also allergic to dairy, so reading your story really hit me hard.
Thank you Gabby. Being a food allergy parent is a tough road, I certainly understand. Thanks for reading.
You are an unbelievably beautiful writer. I just read your article in The New York Times. Time stood still. Here to support and cheer you on.
xxxx
Thank you Mary Jo!
Hi Tina
So sorry for your loss.
The subject of grief such as yours is something I know very well... but without suffering it myself... only through my love for the mother who lost her boy.
She made a film you might like to watch sometime on your travels.
https://www.bluespirit.uk/in-his-slipstream
Best wishes and safe journeys. May your writing help others live with grief.
Nick
Hi Nick, thank you so much for this link. I look forward to watching and learning about Laury and his family's journey.
Tine-- Thanks for the backstory!. I love knowing how your journey has unfolded!
Hi Tina, I’m new to Turkey Town, but delights to be here and love reading your post. Thank you for how you are sharing your life and grief journey.
Hi Tina,
Thank you for your beautifully written Modern Love story. I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I have often found a connection to loved ones that have passed in nature and find it quite powerful. I am a social worker for a neurocritical care unit and meet with parents who experience sudden loss. I am inspired to find a way to connect Parents with one another if that is something they would appreciate.
Hi Chloe,
Our daughter was in neurocritical care for the last 5 days of her life. I'm sure the parents you see are like we were then, too overwhelmed by shock to think or take in much information. But after, we were definitely looking to connect with other grieving parents. I can tell you the groups and resources that were most helpful to us, if you'd like. Just send me a message here on Substack.
I read your story in Modern Love and related to it on so many levels. Beautifully-written, poignant, raw - thank you for sharing it with all of us. What a testament to your relationship with your daughter and a gorgeous tribute to her. How you manage to do this all with unbelievable grace, humor, humanity is just incredible. I've been mired in grief over the loss of my mom over a year ago, and have yet to get my bearings. Cannot imagine what you've been through. Wishing you peace and continued healing. Be well.
Hi Donna, thank you for your kind words. Writing has helped me feel more connected to Kiki, and to good memories that help balance the grief. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. A year is not a long time at all, there is no timeline on learning to carry grief. Wishing your peace and healing as well, thank you.
You paint the picture of the relationship with your daughter in a beautiful yet tragic way. I can’t believe how anyone absorbs the death of a child , no matter their age, they are always your precious chld. A part of every piece of your being…..forever.
Hi Gail, thank you for your thoughtful comment, and thanks for reading. I just read some of your "Dear Gail" posts – you're very funny!